This item is available on the Militant Islam Monitor website, at http://www.militantislammonitor.org/article/id/2833
April 22, 2007
MIM: These Muslim pick up lines were accompanied by the disclaimer below. The readers are warned not to try these on the opposiste gender unless they happen to be one or more of your spouses. Below is a compilation of lame Muslim jokes also from a radical website. The only thing killing about the jokes is their mind numbing stupidity. Note that some of the jokes are recycled with different ethnicities i.e. the Rabbi Moise jokes are retold with someone else as the main character. Reading these Muslim joke makes Jack Ass seems a sophisticated vehicle for humor.
1. OH MY GOSH! I just saw part of your hair, now you're obliged to marry me.
I should point out that these are only a parody of non-Muslim pick up lines. Taken out of context, some Muslims might be offended by these
All in jest.. humorous "Muslim" pick-up lines...
I am in no way indorcing that anyone use these on the opposite gender; because that would be haram (unless, of course, you use them on your spouse). Also remember, modesty is part of faith..
2. Our parents engaged us when we were little, they must have forgotten to tell you.
3. I'd like to be more than just your brother in Islam.
4. To watch you pray is a sin of its own.
5. Will my platinum VISA cover your dowry?
6. You can't play basketball with a jilbab on, marry me, and we will go one-on-one our entire life.
7. Muslims are supposed to have many children, and I am willing to do my part...
8. Will you help the cause of the Ummah by helping me fulfill my deen?
9. Wanna pray in jamaat? shoulder to shoulder, feet to feet?"
10. Assalamu alaikum, so what time does a hur al-ayn (beautiful person from Jannah) like you have to be back in paradise?
11. What school of thought do you follow because I thought about you all through school
12. Can I have your wali's phone number?
13. So, read any good Surahs lately?
14. Do you believe in the hereafter? Oh you do? Then you know what I'm hereafter.
16. Would you like to see my collection of Bukhari's?
17. Lets get married so I dont have to lower my gaze everytime you walk in the room
16. Didn't we meet when I went on Hajj/fought Jihad/ on the day we testified Allah was our lord?
18. I've had to fast every day since the day that I first saw you.
19. It must be Laylatul Qadr. Because that's the night that angels come down from Heaven.
20. Sister, is your hijab naturally blonde?
21. You remind me of the Ka'aba. I can walk around you all day long.
22. That Noor on your face really brings out your eyes.
23. Do you work for Al-Qaeda? Because you've just abducted my heart.
24. Your father must be Osama Bin Laden, because you're da BOMB!
25. Are your feet tired? Because you've been performing Tawaaf in my mind all day long?
26. You remind me of the Ka'aba. I can walk around you all day long.
27. Would you like to help me wake up for Fajr?
28. Are you a Shiite? Because when I saw you, I said to myself, "She aiight".
29. I thought the "Hoor al-Ayn" only lived in Jannah.
30. That hijab really compliments your eyes..
31. Do you wanna date? I bought a box full when I went to Madinah.
32. Girl, you fine. I see praying five times a day has paid off.
33. That's a nice burka. Can I talk you out of it?
34. I must have died a shaheed and gone to heaven because you are my 72 virgins all in one. 35. I need to break my fast. Can I have a date?
36. I didnt trip over my thobe, I fell for you.
37. Can I have ur number so I can wake you up for fajr?
38. I know Halal meat does a body good, but damn, how much you been eatin'?
39. Would you like to share my prayer-mat?
40. *Looks around girls hijab* "sorry, I was looking for the made in jannah tag"
41. You can be the queeen of my Hurs anyday.
42. After seeing you, the first thing I said was Mash'Allah. The next was Inshallah!
43. Just say out loud - MASHA'ALLAH!
44. My name is BlackSeed, I do the body good.
45. Is it me or is it getting a lil halal in here?
45. I'm not sure of the Nikah process. Can you help me through it?
46. I just made dua for YOU.
47. Do u remember me?...from the alam al-arwah (9th heaven - where the spirit of the person lives on ever since the first creation of the person in purely spiritual form, together with all other human spirits)
48. I think I just lost my wudu by the sight of you
49. Sister, please ask your ammi to invite me for a cup of chai
50. You are the reason why hijab was mandated.
51. Have your ammi call my ammi
52. You're so beautiful, even hur al-ayn would be jealous
53. I dont need mahr...YOU are my mahr
54. I'm one of the few guys to get a hur al-ayn not only in the Next Life but in this one as well
55. You are the coolness of my eyes.
56. I love the way your Abaya flows when you walk
57. If i become a shaheed i will get 72 of you!
58. So.. Where is your Wali?
59. Nice ankles. Very nice.
60. I'm not staring, I'm just enjoying my first and only allowed look.
61. Your face shines with so much nur that it could launch a thousand (Jihadi) ships
62. Sister, you are a hijabi fitnah.
63. I'm new here, can you take me to the closest masjid?
64. Allah created everyone in pairs, so what are you doing, single?
65. Wow, are you a decendent of Yusuf (as)??
66. You shine with so much nur that you could light up a room..in my heart
67. You make me realise why we're asked to lower our gaze so much
68. Your feet made me lower my gaze.
69. Praise be to Allah, who created you so beautifully full of nur
Many people (in the West), who have been hugely influenced by negative media stereotypes of Muslims, believe that Muslims are not humorous people. Contrary to this belief, Muslims actually enjoy a laugh!!
Although after saying this, Muslims do abide by some basic rules on making jokes (such as humour being within the limits of Islamic tolerance, and not going beyond the bounds of truth.)
Below are a nice collection of Islamic ancedotes and humorous stories. If you know of any humorous jokes or ancedotes, then please do send them in to me!
Most of the stories below are of a well-known and much-loved folk hero throughout the Muslim world - Mullah Nasruddin. Sometimes he seems foolish, but really he is wise. Stories like this one are told from China to Africa, and beyond.
Nasruddin Goes Fishing
One day, Mullah Nasruddin decided to go fishing. He called upon his good friend Rabbi Moishe, got their poles and bait together, rented a small rowboat at the local harbor, and off to sea they went.
After an amazing afternoon of fishing, the two men had caught thirty fish. An elated Mullah Nasruddin said to Rabbi Moishel, "Better mark this spot so we can come here tomorrow!"
The next day Mullah Nasruddin met up with Rabbi Moishe at the rental harbor for another day of fishing.
"Did you mark the spot?" Mullah Nasruddin asked Rabbi Moishe confidentially.
"Of couse," replied Rabbi Moishe, "I painted a big white X on the bottom of the rowboat."
"You fool!" Shouted Mullah Nasruddin and slapped his forehead, "What if we can't rent that same boat today?!?!?"
Nasruddin And The Judge
One day, Joe Christian passed by a restaurant. He was tired and hungry, for he had had nothing to eat all day. His nostrils caught the smell of the delicious food being cooked inside. He stopped and sniffed, smiled sadly, and began to walk away. But he did not get far. The owner of the restaurant, Rabbi Moishe, came storming out into the street. "Come here!" he bellowed. "I saw that! You took the smell of my food, and you'll have to pay for it!"
Joe Christian did not know what to do. "I cannot pay!" he stammered. "I have no money!"
"No money!" shouted Rabbi Moishe. "We'll see about that! You're coming with me to the judge!" Naturally, Joe Christian was frightened.
"Hmm," said the judge, when he had heard the story. "Well, this is an unusual case. Let me think. Come back tomorrow, and I'll pronounce the sentence."
What could Joe Christian do? He knew whatever sum the judge demanded, payment would be impossible. All night long he tossed and turned, unable to sleep for worry.
When dawn came he made his way to the judges court. As he passed by a mosque he spotted a familiar figure - Mullah Nasruddin. Suddenly, his heart lifted. For he knew that Mullah Nasruddin was a clever man, who was sure to be able to think of a way around the problem. He poured out his story, and Mullah Nasruddin agreed to come to the court and speak for him.
Rabbi Moishe was already at the court, chatting with the judge. Joe Christian saw that they were friends, and feared the judgment would go against him. He was right. The judge began heaping insults upon Joe Christian as soon as he saw him, and ordered him to pay a very large sum of money. At once, Mullah Nasruddin stepped forward. "My lord," he said to the judge. "This man is a good friend of mines. Allow me to pay in his place."
Then Mullah Nasruddin took a small bag of coins from his belt and held it next to Rabbi Moishe's ear. He shook the bag, so that the coins jingled. "Can you hear that?" asked Mullah Nasruddin.
"Of course," replied Rabbi Moishe, impatiently.
"Well, that is your payment," said Mullah Nasruddin. "My friend here, has smelled your food, and you have heard his money. The debt is paid."
And, in the face of such argument, the case was settled and the Joe Christian went free.
Nasruddin's Friendly Neighbour
One day, for one some reason or another, Mullah Nasruddin goes around to Rabbi Moishe's house and asks if he can borrow a pot for a day or two. His neighbour knowing Mullah Nasruddin is reluctant, but eventually agrees as they've been close friends for many years.
The very next day, Mullah Nasruddin returns two pots and explains to the over-delighted Rabbi Moishe that the first pot gave birth to the second pot.
A week later, Mullah Nasruddin asks Rabbi Moishe if he can borrow two pots. Rabbi Moishe immediately agrees – for the obvious reason.
But to Rabbi Moishe's dismay, Mullah Nasruddin never returns the pots, so he asks Mullah Nasruddin if he can have his pots back, but the Mullah Nasruddin explains that tragically both pots have died.
Rabbi Moishe is incensed. "How can a pot die?" he demands.
"You believed it when a pot gave birth," said Mullah Nasruddin. "Why should you not believe that a pot dies?"
Nasruddin's Clever Wife
Mullah Nasruddin was standing outside the mosque after prayer. He had told his wife to meet him outside of the door, but after fifteen minutes she had not shown. He saw his friend Jafar coming out of the door.
"salam alaikum, brother," Mullah Nasruddin said respectfully, "I wonder, did you happen to see my wife inside the mosque?
"I'm sorry, I didn't, but I'm sure she'll be right out." Jafar replied, and walked upon his way.
Mullah Nasruddin waited for fifteen minutes, but his wife did not show. He then saw his friend Nabil walk out of the door.
"Salam alaikum, brother," Mullah Nasruddin said respectfully, "I wonder, did you happen to see my wife inside the mosque?
"I'm sorry, I didn't, but I'm sure she'll be right out." Nabil replied, and walked upon his way.
Mullah Nasruddin waited for fifteen more minutes, but his wife did not show. He then saw the Imam coming out the door. The Imam locked the mosque door behind him.
"Salam Alaikum Sheikh," Mullah Nasruddin said respectfully, "I am looking for my wife. Do you by chance, know where she went?"
"I'm sorry, no one is left in the Mosque," replied the Imam, "All have gone for the night." and he walked upon his way.
Full of anger, Mullah Nasruddin walked home alone. When he got there, his wife was standing outside the door.
Nasruddin and His Donkey
Rabbi Moishe, in need of a donkey, went around to Mullah Nasruddin's farm to ask him if he could borrow his donkey for a day or two.
Mullah Nasruddin came up with the excuse that someone had already borrowed his donkey.
Just as Mullah Nasruddin uttered these words, his donkey started braying in his backyard. Hearing the sound, Rabbi Moishe gave him an accusing look, to which Mullah Nasruddin replied: "I refuse to have any further dealings with you since you take a donkey's word over mine."
Nasruddin's Car Drive
Mullah Nasruddin and his wife are in their car driving.
Suddenly his wife screams, "STOP THE CAR!!!"
"What is it?" Mullah Nasruddin asks.
"Turn around and go back home!! I forgot to turn off the oven!! The house will burn down!!!"
Mullah Nasruddin kept on driving.
"Why aren't you turning around?"
"The house won't burn down..." Mullah Nasruddin replied. "...I forgot to turn off the shower."
Mullah Nasruddin was walking down a street when he bumps into Umar Abdullah, a convert/revert to Islam.
"Salam-Alaikum brother Umar!" Mullah Nasruddin said excitedly.
"Alaikum-salam, brother!" replied Umar.
"I have this question I have been wanting to ask you for a LONG LONG time, and now, since you are here, may I ask it?"
"Go ahead, brother, you may." replied Umar.
"When you became a Muslim, did you cry?"
"Indeed I did." replied Umar.
"ME TOO! ME TOO!" exclaimed Mullah Nasruddin excitedly.
The Inter-Faith Discussion
Rabbi Moishe, Joe Christian and Mullah Nasruddin were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed Mullah Nasruddin. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly all around me, the storm started to die out. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started Joe Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly the storm started to die out. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained Rabbi Moishe, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front . I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed for what seemed like many hours, and suddenly I realised it was Sunday!"
"When did you become Muslim?" asked Yusuf curiously.
"When I was born!" Mullah Nasruddin replied proudly.
Mullah Nasruddin and Rabbi Moishe were traveling through the desert. It was so hot that the air was shimmering. In the distance they saw something black on the ground. Rabbi Moishe said, "It's a vulture." Mullah Nasruddin said, "No, it's a goat." They drew closer, still arguing over what it was. Rabbi Moishe threw a rock at it. It flapped its wings and lifted into the air. "See!" said Rabbi Moishe. "I told you it was a vulture."
"That doesn't prove anything," Mullah Nasruddin. "It could be a goat with wings."
The Train Journey
Rabbi Moishe, Mullah Nasruddin and a Nun were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Jerusalem.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel. As it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, the Nun and Rabbi Moishe were sitting as if nothing had happened, and Mullah Nasruddin had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.
Mullah Nasruddin was thinking: 'Rabbi Moishe, must have kissed the Nun and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
The Nun was thinking: 'Mullah Nasruddin must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed Rabbi Moishe and got a slap for it.
Rabbi Moishe was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap Mullah Nasruddin again.
A lesson taught
Nasruddin went to a public bath. The servant didn?t pay any attention and didn?t serve him when Nasruddin was leaving the bath, he gave ten Dinars to the servants.The attendants were surprised and happy. Next week when he again went to the bath all the services were provided to him. Every one was having a sense of inferiority. But Nasruddin on leaving the place gave only one Dinar to them. The servants and the owner were very much bewildered and asked, "What is the reason for the uncalled bonus of last week and improper behavior this week?" Nasruddin replied, "I paid today?s wage last week and last week?s wage today so that you learn to behave politely with your customers!"
Rescuing the moon
Nasruddin was looking at the image of the moon in a well. He thought it was a recompense to take out the moon from the well. Therefore, he threw a rope inside the well and swung it a few times. Incidentally, the tip of the rope got caught to a big stone. He tried to take the rope out. Hence he pulled it with a lot of force. The rope tore off and he fell on his hack to the ground. When he looked at the sky, he saw the moon and said, "Doesn?t matter. My efforts were not wasted. Though I faced a lot of difficulties, I finally succeeded to rescue the moon."
Lack of Time
Once a person slapped Nasruddin in the street. Later he came back and started to apologize and said that he had mistaken Nasruddin for some one else. But Nasruddin was not satisfied and took tight hold of his collar, took him to the judge and told the judge about the incident. The judge ordered, "Nasruddin must slap that person to avenge. But Nasruddin didn?t get satisfied. Thus the judge ordered the person to give Nasruddin a gold coin in lieu of the slap. The accused had to go out of the court to bring the gold coin. Nasruddin waited for sometime. The accused didn?t come back. Nasruddin stood up and slapped the judge on his face and said, "Since I have a lot of work, whenever that person Comes and brings the coin, You take the money for this slap."
Mullah Nasrudin and the The Burglar
A thief went to Nasrudin's house and carried away almost all the possessions of the mullah to his own home. While Nasrudin had been watching from the street. After a few minutes Nasrudin took up a blanket, followed him, went in to his house, lay down and pretended to go to sleep. The thief asked Mullah, "who are you? And what are you doing in my house?" Mullah replied, "we were moving into your house, weren't we?"
A neighbour called on Nasrudin. "Mulla, I want to borrow your donkey." "I am sorry," said the Mullah, "but I have already lent it out." As soon as he had spoken, the donkey brayed. The sound came from Nasruding?s stable. "But Mulla, I can hear the donkey, in here!" As he shut the door in the man?s face, Nasrudin said, with dignity: "A man who believes the word of a donkey in preference to my word does not deserve to be lent anything."
A Dinner of Smells
Once, long ago, a very fine and expensive restaurant stood on a busy street in a bustling market town. One day, a poor man passed by this restaurant. He was tired and hungry, for he had had nothing to eat all day. His nostrils caught the smell of the delicious food being cooked inside. He stopped and sniffed, smiled sadly, and began to walk away.
But he did not get far. The owner of the restaurant came storming out into the street.
"Come here!" he bellowed. "I saw that! You took the smell of my food, and you'll have to pay for it!"
The poor man did not know what to do.
"I cannot pay!" he stammered. "I have no money!" "No money!" shouted the restaurant owner. "We'll see about that! You're coming with me to the Qadi!
A Qadi is a judge in a Muslim court. Naturally, he is very powerful, and the poor man was frightened.
"Hmm," said the Qadi, when he had heard the story. "Well, this is an unusual case. Let me think. Come back tomorrow, and I'll pronounce the sentence."
What could the poor man do? He knew whatever sum the Qadi demanded, payment would be impossible.
All night long he tossed and turned, unable to sleep for worry. When dawn came he said his prayers and, tired and dejected, made his way to the Qadi's court.
As he passed the masjid he spotted a familiar figure -- Nasrudin the Hoja. Suddenly, his heart lifted. For he knew that Nasrudin was a clever man, who was sure to be able to think of a way around the problem. He poured out his story, and Nasrudin agreed to come to the court and speak for him. The rich restaurant owner was already at the court, chatting with the Qadi. The poor man saw that they were friends, and feared the judgment would go against him.
He was right. The Qadi began heaping insults upon the poor man as soon as he saw him, and ordered him to pay a very large sum of money.
At once, Nasrudin stepped forward. "My lord," he said to the Qadi. "This man is my brother. Allow me to pay in his place."
Then the mullah took a small bag of coins from his belt an held it next to the rich man's ear. He shook the bag, so that the coins jingled.
"Can you hear that?" asked Nasrudin.
"Of course," the man replied, impatiently.
"Well, that is your payment," said the mullah. "My brother has smelled your food, and you have heard his money. The debt is paid."
And, in the face of such argument, the case was settled and the poor man went free.
The rickshaw ride
Once a missonary on his way to run some errand hired a rickshaw. The rickshaw-puller happened to be a muslim. The christian preacher began to preach the Gospel to the R.P. The rickshaw puller got annoyed and asked the preacher "How many sons did God have?" The missionary answered "One". At this the rickshaw puller got more annoyed and said "I am a thirty year old poor rickshaw puller, I have twelve children. If your God is really as great as you claim him to be, then how come he has only one son?"
If Allah Wills
Nasruddin was determined to be decisive and efficient. one day he told his wife he would plow his largest field on the far side of the river and be back for a big dinner. She urged him to say, "If Allah is willing."
He told her whether Allah was willing or not, that was his plan. The frightened wife looked up to Allah and asked forgiveness.
Nasruddin loaded his wooden plow, hitched up the oxen to the wagon, climbed on his donkey, and set off.
But within the short span of a day the river flooded from a cloudburst and washed his donkey downstream, and one of the oxen broke a leg in the mud, leaving Nasruddin to hitch himself in its place to plow the field.
Having finished only half the field, at the sunset he set out for home exhausted and soaking wet. The river was still high so he had to wait until long past dark to cross over.
After midnight a very wet but much wiser Nasruddin knocked at his door. Who is there Asked his wife.
I think it is me, Nasruddin, he replied, if Allah is willing!
This item is available on the Militant Islam Monitor website, at http://www.militantislammonitor.org/article/id/2833